Relationships aren’t always everlasting. Sometimes things just don’t seem to go the way you planned and you’re forced to walk your separate ways. Often times, once the breakup has fully kicked in, your left wondering the answers to several questions and wanting to say so many unspoken words.

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If you’re anything like me, you tend to feel a lot of emotions, and sitting with these emotions is sure to drive you crazy. So what most people tell one to do with these bottled up emotions is, let them out! Tell a friend, a parent, a therapist, etc.

Maybe even write a letter, but before you decide to follow in my footsteps, here are some things I wish I knew then…

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Don’t write this letter to him in the heat of the moment: emotions will be flying and tears will be falling; give yourself some time to take a step back. I wrote my letter after being angry and disappointed with my ex for turning a perfectly healthy and mutual break up into something spiteful. The first few weeks post breakup were fine, we would talk occasionally and say hi in passing. But, eventually, he decided it would be better to ignore me completely. He would turn the other way if I walked by, refuse to look me in the eye, or even wave or smile as we walked by one another. I was hurt and I wanted him to know that. However, I wish I would have taken a step back and looked at this from his perspective, before angrily writing about this in my letter.

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1. Don’t tell him that he did everything right, when in fact, you know that’s not the case. I wrote my letter with the mindset of “be the better person, let him remember you ask the kind and sincere person you truly are.” And because of this, I praised him. I told him that he was an ambitious (FALSE), talented, intelligent, kind (LIE), and genuine (bull shit) guy, that I was lucky to have been with and who I loved. I regret giving him that satisfaction. Because, truth is, he wasn’t ambitious, he wasn’t genuine, and he was so far from kind. He was ungrateful and immature. 

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2. Don’t romanticize the relationship, be honest and frank. It’s so easy to reflect on a relationship and only remember the good, to see things through rose colored lenses per see. I know this is something I do often. In this letter I talked about how amazing it was spending Valentine’s day together, and how caring he was when he stayed home with me when I had mono. I talked about how happy and how comforted I always felt when I was around him. But somewhere along the way I let him forget, and I forgot myself, about the times he made me feel like pure crap. I was the girl who brought him breakfast in bed with not even a thank you in return. The girl who brought him a study pack and snacks to the library before an exam and was shewed off as if she was a bother.  I was the girl who was told she would look better if she toned up and followed a new workout regimen, and that she’d be a better fit for a sorority like theta or kappa. I was told I was a part of SDBEAT, but I was a “diamond in the rough.”

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3. Don’t put him on a pedestal, there is a reason they got kicked off. Don’t emphasize all his great qualities while ignoring the ones that really bothered you. Don’t pretend he didn’t walk around on his high horse, like he owned the place because of his frat affiliation. Don’t pretend he didn’t act like he was better than you because you struggled with an eating disorder and he was a fitness coach. Don’t give him the credit that you deserve. You beat this eating disorder, he didn’t do it for you. Also, don’t forget that he was the one who chased after you to make this relationship form. He is not the end all be all, don’t let yourself think he is, and don’t give him the satisfaction of thinking that either.

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4. Don’t say, “I will always love you,” because truth is, you probably won’t.

There are still days where I miss my ex, and days where I can confidently say I just don’t care about him. There are also days where he walks passed me like I don’t exist and the only thing I can say about him is how much I despise him. Love transforms, it has the ability to change people and it has the ability to fade. Don’t guarantee something you can’t uphold.

 

5. Don’t let your thoughts go unheard, write everything you need him to know. This relationship didn’t just end because we fell out of love, this relationship ended because he got caught up in his fraternity and became ungrateful. This relationship ended because he took advantage of the things I chose to confide in him with. This relationship ended because the more I grew out of my eating disorder and discovered my true self, the less interested he became in knowing the real me.

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6. Don’t stay connected with him on any form of social media. Trust me, you don’t need to see pictures of him with other girls. And you don’t need to know who he took to his date party. You don’t need to see that his new girlfriend looks just like you, and have questions floating around your head. Don’t give yourself more reasons to grow angry at him. Give yourself some distance and let your heart heal.

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7. Don’t ask him to change. Even if change means changing back into the guy you first met. Because, truth is, this is who he is now. There is no going back. Your environment and experiences mold you and for him, it molded him into a person I no longer recognized. If he can’t see who he’s become and cannot recognize that this is not who he used to be, then that’s not someone I’m willing to be with.  

 

Looking back at my letter, I regret telling him how amazing, kind, loving and sincere he was. However, I said those things because in the moment, that was how I saw him. But how could he have been all of that when he’s done all of this: let me walk home alone from a bar so he could watch basketball with friends, in front of several people state that I am “un-photogenic,” and neglect to say thank you or even appreciate the thoughtful gestures? I regret letting him think that I’m recovering from this disorder because of him…I gave him the credit and, truth is, he deserves absolutely none of it. If anything, he made it harder for me to recover, harder for me to learn to accept my body as is. I did this on my own.

 

            However, here are some things I would recommend mentioning…

 

Do mention positive things about your time spent together. Part of your relationship must’ve been good if you stayed together for some time. In my letter I talked about our first sleepover, our first valentine’s day, our first date party, his birthday, our vacation and more. I let him know that these were some of my favorite memories, because they truthfully were, and they still are. Everything about them makes me smile, nothing can change that.

Do acknowledge that it takes two people to make a relationship work. Unless someone was unfaithful, no one person is at fault. Don’t place blame on anyone, no one is at fault. Make sure you acknowledge that there were things that you couldn’t do for him as well. That the two of you were no longer working like you used to.​

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1. Do be honest and speak from your heart. I told him he was my first love. It was true and I don’t regret it, I was his first love as well. Something about being each others first serious significant other made us even closer. I told him that I loved his family (his brother, dog, cousin and grandpa the most!)  and hated feeling like I was no longer part of his life. I hated that he couldn’t find a way to be a part of my life either. I told him that he had hurt me and confused me by telling me to keep his stack of sweatshirts which laid by my closet door and when he said that, “you would always be my baby girl,” but just a few weeks later I was no longer worthy of a friendly hello. I told him that it hurt no longer sharing things with him like getting an internship or making progress in my disorder.

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2. Do exude your morals, beliefs, and genuine sincerity as a human being throughout this letter. I emphasize the fact that though we no longer worked as a couple, I will always remember him in a positive light and as the amazing boyfriend he once was. Although I know he can no longer be this same person for me now, or ever again, during the time we dated he meant the world to me. I cared for him more than I cared for myself. I woke up each morning with a good morning text that effortlessly made my day.

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3. Do thank them for the good times. Highlight the fact that your relationship wasn’t all bad. Tell him about the first Valentine’s day you spent together and how finding roses and a giant teddy bear waiting for you in bed made your heart melt a thousand times over. Tell him that one of your most memorable nights was when you sat on his lap on the porch and a tear rolled down your cheek. Remind him of how he wiped it away and lovingly said to you, it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be scared—I’m here. Tell him that this moment meant the world to you.

 

4. Do remind him that you will always care for them in one way or another. If anything were to ever go wrong and they needed someone to turn to in a time of need, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to confide in—you’ll be there. That just because the two of you are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend doesn’t mean that the connection and genuine care you two had for each other no longer exists.

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5. Do make sure this letter gives you closure. This letter is for you. It’s to give you the peace of mind, to get everything off your back, and to end this on the note of your choosing. If this note does not feel like it’s benefiting you, it’s not worth writing.

 

6. Do end this letter on a positive note.  “I would like to end this letter on a positive note, the same way I’d like to think we ended our relationship.” Leave him with only positive ways to remember you. Be the sincere, kind-hearted, loving, genuine, and mature young lady you know that you are. Let that be your everlasting impression.